You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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