I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
