a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
