My friends, they love my intelligence
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The adults are the big ones right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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