if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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