3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize