i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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