just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize