I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
