no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
