my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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