I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
