i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
