Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
