mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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