i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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