another moral hangover. fuck.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
