11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
third nipple confirmed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize