can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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