I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
