I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
