thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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