Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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