I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
