sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
