i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
