the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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