my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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