The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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