Don't make out with my wife yet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
