i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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