She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
