They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
