id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
