Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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