I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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