I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize