ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
