Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
