google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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