sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
