I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
