Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just had sex on a roof
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
