my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
