somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
