yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He kissed a someone with a penis
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
