He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
