hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He passed out mid-signature
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
