he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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