If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
