i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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