You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
