Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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