____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
