There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
