Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
