i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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