He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
