Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
