Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
two words...techno handjob
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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