what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
