In the future we'll all be gay
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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