Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
