Your face is a jimmy john
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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