I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize