just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
